Musings

No

Maybe the most difficult thing for many of us is to say ‘No’ to things we are not comfortable with. This includes saying ‘No’ to family members, friends and colleagues and at work. When I was younger, I could never say ‘No’ to anybody! πŸ™‚ Sometimes, I used to feel that I was getting arm twisted!! 😦 and made to do things against my will! I am sure everybody might have been involved in one or two(or many situations like this! :))

How do we say ‘No’ in the most gentle manner without offending the other person? here are a few things I have learnt over the years:

  1. Time is the most important factor here. We get more confidence to say ‘No’ once we get older πŸ™‚ These days , I can say “No” in any personal or professional relationships and wherever I am not comfortable!! πŸ™‚
  2. Seriously though, I think it is not wise to say a straight “No” in the beginning of your career
  3. Later, in the career with enough experience you can judge and gauge the situation and work accordingly
  4. Personal relationships are a whole other matter – it is very difficult to say ‘No’ if you are young and to your parents especially! πŸ™‚ If you are instructed to meet somebody or call somebody, you may have to do it for sometime but you can always tell politely that you cannot do it ….slowly! πŸ™‚ after you gather some strength and maturity!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
  5. Other family members might follow a similar trajectory – it is good to say ‘yes’ for sometime, but after a while as you get older, you can say ‘No’ to things you are uncomfortable about.
  6. The best way to say ‘No’ is saying calmly that you cannot do it or if the person cannot handle a “No” you can always say you will do it later!! πŸ™‚

How do you say “No”? πŸ™‚ has it been difficult ? But trust me, once you get older, you will not care about anybody and say a “No” very easily!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

This is the last post for the BlogchatterHalfMarathon !!

Family, Festivals, India, Parenting

Joint family system vs Nuclear family system – which is better?

India is one of the few countries which has a unique family system – the ‘joint family system’. In a joint family system, it is not only the parents who stay with their grown children and their spouse but there may be other members of the family living together as well. There might be two or three generations of a single paternal or maternal lineage living together. There might be a single family head or a group of elderly family members under whose direction the family might thrive. In a joint family system – food, career, religious regulations, responsibilities, finances might all be shared.

The nuclear family came into existence under the Western influence in India. The nuclear family consists only of the mother, father and the children. Once the children grow up, they will embark on their own independent journey. In a nuclear family, the roles and responsibilities might be shared by the husband and wife.

While many think the joint family system is dead in India, it is not. The bigger cities might not see it as much but the joint family system still exists.

Advantages and disadvantages of a joint family system:

The advantages of a joint family system will definitely be the ability to live together with anybody. Caring and sharing might be the motto behind all joint family systems. Trying to live with one’s own family members might not be easy all the time. But the people in a joint family system have definitely mastered it! πŸ™‚ Learning to let go of certain things, adjusting to each other’s personalities, sharing the financial responsibilities are some of the advantages of a joint family system.

Children will be moulded better by learning to live with everybody. Adults will also get the companionship that they will miss in their old age. There might also be more events and celebrations at home. Children might learn the authentic way to celebrate religious festivals rather than Google it! πŸ™‚ In addition, child care and taking care of elderly will not be given to organisations and will be managed in the family only.

The disadvantages of a joint family system might be the same as the advantage of a joint family system(what an irony! :))

No one might be constantly be able to live with everybody all the time and one will feel like they need some “me” time and “alone time”! There is also a possibility that you might be able to take any independent decisions and act on it instantly.

Advantages and disadvantages of a nuclear family:

The advantages of a nuclear family might be:

  1. the ability to take independent decisions and act on it instantly without asking anybody
  2. Not having to manage too many personal relationships
  3. Just the freedom of doing things your own way
  4. Not having to listen to anybody! πŸ™‚

The disadvantages of nuclear family might be a little more different than other reasons. In a nuclear family, in many instances, the financial responsibility might fall solely on the husband’s shoulders. Thus, running a family, managing the household and the children has to be done only by 2 people (which is not an easy task) The husband -wife duo have to run to other people(baby sitters, day care centres, maids, cooks) to smoothly run their life.

So, which is good for whom? That just depends on each person and each husband-wife duo. If they are not comfortable in a joint family setting, it is better they manage alone and brave it all.

However, man being a social animal and we from India loving family and celebration – it is quite a possibility that most Indians cannot live away and alone all the time! πŸ™‚ and they will live in a bit of both families combined together…:)

This post is the seventh post for the BlogchatterHalfMarathon

Family, India

Career or Children?

” Career or Children?” is the eternal question that stumps moms all the world and the answer is never easy…

Most moms as young girls were always motivated to do well academically in school and college and achieve greater corporate goals. Eventually, school life gets over, college life gets over and many ace everything and a dream career begins….All goes well and with good time, matrimony arrives and then motherhood dawns.

Motherhood:

If a marriage doesn’t change a woman’s life drastically, motherhood will. Understanding parenthood for anybody is no easy task. Many children have a personality that is totally the polar opposite of their parents! While moms and dads fret over how to handle the new addition to their lives, mothers feel more responsibility towards the child ( and the society always emphasizes this) and therein starts the trouble.

The dilemma:

Most women opt for a maternity break that might span a few weeks or months post the arrival of the child in their career. While fathers return back promptly, most mothers struggle with the decision to get back to work full time.

Even after the child is 6 months of age, while some mothers do return back to their jobs, there are many mothers who are still on the fence about whether to return back to work or not. Many mothers areΒ  “worry warriors” – who are never sure whether their child will get the same care that they can give.

Weeks turn into months and sometimes even years pass by and some women are faced with the same dilemma – “Should I get back to work and hope everything falls into place or should I wait for more time till the child is older?” And sometimes, the child crosses their teenage and moms are still pondering the same question!! πŸ™‚

By this time many mothers lose the interest and energy to get back to work full time… 😦 Some mothers even return back to work and again quit because of “mom guilt” or any other misadventures.. 😦

And if there is more one child in the picture, the responsibilities quadrupule. While most women multi-task a variety of responsibilities – it is still a big juggling act to manage work, home,children, parents, in-laws and all family! πŸ™‚ (and if you are in a nuclear family living away from everybody, then the difficulty is to manage everything on your own) In addition to normal household functions, there are also sick children, homework, class tests, exams, projects and even more responsibilities that add everyday.

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Many women quit their high flying careers entirely or change course from their field of study. For example, as a young girl she might be a Computer Science graduate or an MBA – but due to motherhood and home responsibilities – she might become a teacher(so that she can step out with the kids and step back in with the kids) or a writer(can write from home!!) πŸ™‚ Many mothers readΒ  job description with keywords such as “work from home” , “flexible work options”,”remote work” and they are absolutely delighted! πŸ™‚

This is not to say all mothers put their careers on hold when motherhood arrives..many juggle home and full time work very well and hats off to all of them! πŸ™‚

My experience:

Overall, I think if you wait too long to get back to full time work, most lose the energy and the motivation for the corporate grind. So, for women who are very passionate about their careers, it is just good to restart full time work after just a year of being off….(more feasible in India) – anything more than that – the industry is also moving ahead and we also cannot keep up!

In the end, it all works out well with a little crease here and there… πŸ™‚

So, if you like to work – just keep doing it! πŸ™‚

Thanks for reading and have a lovely day! πŸ™‚

 

Family, India

Arranged marriages!

“Love marriage” is one way of getting married and there is yet another way of getting married which is highly prevalent in Indian homes and it is known as an “arranged marriage”.

India is so beautifully diverse with its languages(all of the four southern states have a different language) , cultures, religions and climates (If you ask me how diverse India is – I could do an entire blog post on that too!! :)) , but they are all united by one novel way of getting married which is the “arranged marriage”.

What is arranged marriage?

‘Arranged marriage’ is when a boy and girl get married as per the parents and/or grand-parents wishes! πŸ™‚ There is no “getting to know each other phase”, “living together phase”, “seeing each other’s parents phase” – some arranged marriages get completed in a matter of months.

How do the parents know that the “boy” and “girl” are made for each other? πŸ™‚ ( well, that might be for another post ;)) – for now, they just “know” that they are made for each other!! πŸ™‚

Given the complexity of human personalities and the constant change it undergoes with respect to its environment, it is truly amazing that arranged marriages work and continue to work. “Arranged marriage” is in my opinion -one of the most surreal of all relationships! πŸ™‚  I don’t know how it works and till this date I try hard to wrap this thought around my head “how two people who have absolutely no clue about each other, each other’s personalities, each other’s habits and most importantly each other’s families are told to spend the rest of their life together and they successfully do! πŸ™‚

Given the huge success rate of arranged marriages, it is a sure bet that this unique and blissful relationship will continue for more years to come!